As I imagined myself coming to Thailand for almost six weeks, there are a few things I imagined being my constant companions-- sweat, flies, heat, a language barrier. But as I've gone from air conditioned building to air conditioned building, barely stayed out in the slums enough to get a (few) handfuls of bug bites, and have had an amazing time being able to connect to both missionaries and Thai in English, I feel as though I am losing the uncomfortable positions in which the stereotype missions trip puts one in.
It is not as though I am not in ministry here, for the main goal of the Envision site missionaries are to "live life in Bangkok;" rather, I am finding that there is not the constant conversion from death to life of an unbeliever, the rigorous busyness of VBS and construction work and then repeating the cycle, the guiding schedule of a high school missions trip that has boxes for things to be done as a group or sub-groups. Missions isn't the glory that I had built it up to be in my head, and the crash as that expectation crumbles in my mind and heart has been a defining instant in my trip here.
Amy Carmichael once said, "O to be delivered from half-hearted missionaries! Don't come if you mean to turn aside for anything.... Don't come if you haven't made up your mind to live for one thing-- the winning of souls." There have been a lot of things that I have lived for, not all being for the winning of souls and God's glory in the process; yet, through this trip (and as I hope to continue through my life), God has brought people, sermons, books, and verses to my attention that have called me to die to self. Amy warned me that I am not to step even one step onto the missions field if my one focus is not to win souls, and that has been a sobering reality as I have drawn closer to God and sensed His gentle whispers and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. But it all comes at a "cost" of dying to self-- dying to that which takes my pure devotion and focus off of my Creator, Lover, Provider, and Father.
"Missions life" here has still been a struggle, as I am now at a 5-star resort in Hua Hin, Thailand. But God has continued to reveal a purpose in every comfort that He's given me. It's not for my edification or treatment that I'm at this hotel; I'm living the luxurious life right now because this is a week for missionaries to rest and be comfortable. They've sacrificed more than I could even imagine, and being willing to be here with them, pray with them, listen to their testimonies, and watch their kids is worth being comfortable so that they feel loved. I sacrifice my "need" for uncomfortable living situations so that they are able to feel cared for and loved for a week.
Last thing. Haha. My time here has been essential to forming my views of how to live on the missions field. I'm not focusing on pestering God about where He wants to send me; that is not for me to know right now. But what I do want to soak up from the missionaries is how they've chosen to raise their kids; why they chose to send them or not send them to boarding school; how they followed God to a certain place; etc. It's experience that I couldn't get at home, being a pastor's kid, without being surrounded by missionaries; and so this is the perfect place to be. :)
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